socialvibe
so, this is what’s up i guess
i have been posting on my livejournal, a lot more. along with myspace.
http://bebebones.livejournal.com/ if you’re interested
hm.
i’ve been bloggin more on myspace and my livejournal than i have on here. i’m busy with being unoccupied.
i sleep days away at a time and i haven’t left my house in 9 days. it’s kind of making it harder and harder to stay awake durring day light hours and even wanting to step foot out of my house.
but i’m working on it. i really am.
I’ve managed to disappear,
It’s a real shame. I keep on disappearing on myself even. I’m never around, ever. If I’m not at Rob’s then I’m at my mother’s, either sleeping away or sulking about something or numbing myself on some World of Warcraft. Everything blurs into itself and I don’t really notice the change between days and nights anymore. Unless I go out and see Rob, I don’t leave my house. I don’t go outside. I don’t look outside. It’s sad, when I bother to sit and think about it. But I don’t know how much better I’d like it if I were doing something else.
I went to Philip’s the other day, for my school interview. And I had a panic attack and freaked out. And my mother just screamed at me over it. Repeating over and over how stupid I am and how I’m not going to go anywhere just playing video games and not going to school. I’m only in NY because she’s forcing me to go to school. I mean, going to college/secondary school is going to be important to me… at some point. But I’m NOT ready, not now. I’m too paranoid and afraid to even walk outside. Let alone to go to a school. To start a career. Not EVERYONE is cut out for college or even secondary school, or at least right away. I don’t honestly see why I have to rush myself into something that determines the “rest of my life” .. I mean I have to take out student loans, to go to a school for a major or career that I’m not even sure about and that I have to go to all the way through even if I change my mind or else I’ll get fucked over by the government for my loans. Like, I don’t understand why it’s so necessary to put pressure on people out of high school. I mean, I’ve been out of high school for awhile now. But still, I CAN’T handle this pressue, at all. Like, it’s breaking me down bit by bit. Just even talking about it.
My BDD is coming back, it’s apparent. It’s very obvious, to me anyways. I bought a wig. I love it, I guess. I mean, I am not currently wearing it. But every time I am not wearing it I tend to find a mirror and critique my current hair. It’s thinning, out of no where. I even am seeing random sections that seem to be balding. I don’t know why. This is actually really scary. I’m feeling very weak lately. I’m not eating well. I go days without eating and then I end up binge-ing(sp?). It’s not good.
I keep freaking out. About everything. I’m paranoid that all my friends hate me. And that they’re tearing themselves away from me. I’m paranoid that Rob’s going to leave me. I’m paranoid that everyone is going to find out that things are better off without me around.
fngkdfngdf This is what breaking down lookings like.
I’ve been kind of a mess
Lately, I just can’t wrap my head around it. I’ve been very off the walls with emotions. I am getting really sick. I’m sleeping crazy hours. I don’t go to bed until extremely late into the day. I barely seem to see Rob and when I do things feel awful and I get really upset and things don’t usually get resolved. Not to mention I only get to see him for a few hours every couple of days or he just stays the night and leaves in the morning. I feel like I’m falling apart.
I still haven’t done anything with myself for school nor have I even filled out a single job application. UGH! I am falling behind on my own life and it sucks. I feel like a weight is on top of me and I am just being squished by it.
I need my friends so much closer than they can be. I need Rob to be so much closer than I think he knows how to be. I’m just lost and I don’t know how to fix it on my own.
I’ve been spending my days sleeping, playing wow, and indulging in my Netflix account I just got and watch The L Word.
:[ I hopefully get to see Rob tomorrow, he says he promises he’ll come over tomorrow after Cross Country. I sure hope he does. :/ And Tuesday is his old bands last show, so I’ll get to see him them and defend my girlfriend status with all the dumb girls he is friends with. UGH. :[ So hello insecurity on Tuesday! And Wednesday, I’m supposed to be getting Tattooed even though that’s when Matt his like bfffboyfriend decided to reschedule the Water Safari trip and I DONT want Rob to just go with them because I’m nervous and scared of not being with him, but I’ll be miserable if I go or not. :/ UGH! gfdgdf
I hate myself for being so miserable and complicated.
Does it come with a matching wedding band too?